The Perfect Man

Dear Diary,

While spending some quality time alone today on my day off I decided it would be wise to have a glass or two of wine and make a list. I make lists all the time; to do lists, bucket lists, shopping lists...you get the point. This list however is going to be a bit different. I have decided I am going to make a list of the attributes my perfect man will posses. This can go one of two ways, it could be very depressing and lead these one or two glasses to turn into one or two bottles OR it could be quite comical and maybe even a bit eye opening. This is uncharted territory for me; somewhat of an adventure, but instead of looking for the pot of gold we are looking for some indicators as to why I am single. Another plus is that from this list you might be able to decide if my rants are worth following. Ooooooooo exciting! Here we go!

#1 Fun, Fun, FUN!

Most importantly this man needs to be fun, know how to have fun, and be able to find the fun. Now to most this might not seem like a skill, but you wouldn't believe how many people are incapable of enjoying themselves. Now to me this doesn't just mean you have a good time when you are out with your friends or on vacation. Nope that's easy! What it really comes down to is can you have fun when you have $6 to spare, your car broke down yesterday and there is 12" of snow on the ground. If you can we are off to a great start!

#2 Kind Hearted

I like to pretend that I'm tough, callus, and cynical. But the truth is I'm a big ol' softy. I cry at those humane society commercials, over tip when service sucks and listen to strangers like I have known them for years. I don't do all of this because I am actually interested or truly care (except for the animals) it's more that I hate being rude and I very much dislike rude people! If a man is arrogant and can't practice basic manners we will not fit. I especially hate it when you go out to dinner (or any meal for that matter) and they are too picky with their food or super stingy with the tip. Nothing makes me NOT want to put your cock in my mouth more. Just be nice boys, and I'll be nice to you.

#3 Be a Gentleman
I am very independent, and it takes a special kind of man to allow me to be that way but still treat me like a lady. Although I have mastered the art of carrying six bags of groceries at once to avoid having to make two trips and still open the door on my own, does not mean I enjoy it. That shit hurts your arm! When you ask if I need help, I will say no, why, because technically I don't NEED your help. I have done this before and can do it again. Instead you need to be a gentleman, not ask a stupid question you already know the answer to, take 4 of the 6 bags and open the door for me without being asked. If you don't, I'm sorry but your an idiot.

#4 Must Love Dogs

Really that's all I should have to say. If you don't like dogs, don't want one of your own someday and don't "Awwwwww" whenever you see a cute one it was over before it even started. 

#5 Smile Large and Laugh Loud

This may seem like a repeat of #1, but I promise it isn't. The wine hasn't gotten to me quite yet. Along with being able to have fun it is important to me that people know your having fun. Nothing spreads the fun more than smiling often and laughing loudly!

#6 I AM Funny, & So Are My Friends

I say funny witty things, and I sometimes laugh at my own jokes. The people closest to me laugh at my jokes too and I laugh at theirs; why because we are funny! So if for whatever reason you don't think my friends and I are funny then fuck off. The Spice Girls said it best "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".

#7 On a More Serious Note

If you can't hold a serious adult conversation with me then my multidimensional personality has been wasted! I love fooling around and all but I have serious goals and sometimes bad shit happens. I need to be able to discuss these tragedies, aspirations, thoughts and feelings freely.

#8 Don't Be a Manchild

If your Mom still does your laundry, makes your dentist appointments and you are still an avid gamer I can't deal. I don't want to replace your mother and take over caring for you. You are a grown-ass-man and should be able to make and keep appointments yourself, pay your bills on time and put down the game controller to do something productive.   

#9 Superficial...Yes, a Little :)

Ok, so I know everything thus far has been about personality, but unfortunately looks do matter a bit. 1st and foremost your teeth! PLEASE keep them clean and straight. Second if you spend more time getting ready than me we will never have sex. I like men, so I expect that you look and act like one. If you shave your chest, use hair gel and wear tight graphic tee's...YUCK! I would rather have sex with myself.

#10 Last But Certainly Not Least - 50/50

I need a man that can walk the fine line of being manly as well as being in touch with his feminine side. I was raised by a man so participating in manly activities comes naturally. I enjoy sports, outdoors and beer. I also love wearing heels, watching romantic comedies and drinking fine wine (from a box ;) That being said I need you to be able to be able to walk that line too. Please teeter more on the masculine side but don't deny me the right to watch 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' every now and again. I also hate housework and enjoy being cooked for just as much as you so suck it up and return the favor.

Shit, I sure seem like a demanding bitch huh? Maybe that's why I'm single...and I didn't even make it to any of my sexual needs! We will save that for another day, over another few glasses of wine. 

<3 

Single Lady