Am I missing something?

Sometimes I'm amazed by just how little I understand men. Honestly, it really is like we speak two different languages.

UCFan called me last week on Monday, while I was giving blood. The voicemail? Him singing "A While New World." I think this was based on my Gchat status that I felt like Ariel from A Little Mermaid because I literally had no voice. Wrong princess and movie, but an "A" for effort. Or so I thought. When I tried returning his call, it went to voicemail, so I left him a text saying that it was nice to hear from him. He never responded. Well, until last night when he called me on his way to a Superbowl party and said "I'm picking my friend up and going to a Superbowl party 2 minutes from your house and thought I'd invite you." Way to make me feel like the afterthought I was. And this was after I answered in the midst of the party I was at and he said "You sound like you're out somewhere" and I told him I was at a party. My response to the invite was a curt "No, that's not going to happen," which I realized sounded rude. We made small talk for like 2 minutes before getting back to our own things.

Of course, I felt guilty for being so rude, and texted him an apology saying I was just caught off guard. Which I was. He didn't respond. This morning, I felt worse, and sent another apology. Still no response.

Now here's the thing. Was I rude? Yes. Should I have apologized given the circumstances? Probably not. Should I have apologized TWICE? Hell no. Could he have acknowledged my apologies? Yes, very easily.

Then there's Red. My non-labeled relationship, friend with benefits, FBuddy, whatever you want to call it. We texted back and forth a few times. Wednesday of last week I told him that he was lucky my voice was coming back and we briefly got on the subject of "hanging out soon." He responded "If you want." I said, "Yeah, I want!" Wasn't that the purpose of this all? I told him that the ball was in his court, though, because I'm not going to chase him. Since then, I've heard... NOTHING from him. So, even if I give you that it's not a relationship without the boyfriend/girlfriend label, and we knock it down to the level of "we're just sleeping together," wouldn't there generally be some sort of rendezvous going on? Wouldn't a guy who got a girl to agree to what I've agreed to be SOMEWHAT interested in pursuing what he's locked down? I mean, COME ON! (Let's be honest, there's some benefit for me in this situation, but not if nothing is happening!)

Then, to top it off, on top of a not super weekend, and a bad day at work, at 4pm this afternoon, I get a text from one of my exes saying "Today's my birthday. I'm 29. Thanks for the birthday wishes." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I wanted to scream. I'm pretty sure that I've made it clear that he and I are not going to be friends. I've tried silence. I've tried being nice. I've tried bitching him out. Nothing works. And I'm expected to remember his birthday and send him well wishes? What planet is this on?

Here's hoping the week gets better!

Assumptions

In my last post, I mentioned 6'4, a guy that I had met at a bar night organized by one of my friends, MG. That whole evening had been quite an experience, and I didn't realize how much until this weekend. So, I'm going to revisit that evening and then fast forward to this weekend.

That evening back in September, MG had organized a bar night for all of her friends. Since she's involved in so many activities and groups here in Cincinnati, many people from all of these groups didn't know each other, and MG thought it would be fun to get them all together. I thought it was a great opportunity to meet a lot of new people, so I went, expecting nothing more than maybe making some new friends.

A couple of guys walked in together, and one of them went immediately to the back while 6'4 stopped to talk to my friend, and ended up taking a seat next to me. The two of us started talking, and found that we got along quite well. As the night went on, his friend came back up to the front, and I talked with Red for a while, too. As it turned out, he was also from Cleveland.

As the guys made their way through the crowd and met up with another friend, MG explained to me that one of her other friends really had a crush on Red. I then kind of took on keeping 6'4 company while her other friend went after Red. Only later in the evening did MG confess to having a thing for 6'4, but telling me that she also liked another guy who was also there that night, and lamenting that when she went home with one, it would be seen by the other. She ended up going home with the other guy, leaving me at the bar with Red, 6'4, their other friend, and some other people I'd become acquainted with that evening. As Red was on his way out, we exchanged cards, saying that "We Cleveland people need to stick together!" I went back to talking to 6'4 who also asked for my number, saying that he would like to take me to dinner some night.

Red texted me that night, and we ended up getting together early in the week, on what was actually his birthday. Fully expecting to just be hanging out as friends, we played some video poker at the bar with his buddies (I totally kicked their asses!) and then he taught me how to play Cricket. As the night went on, though, it became apparent that he didn't intend for us to just be friends. We got together another night during the week for dinner, and then went out on Friday night for a couple of drinks. Through it all, we were getting along great.

By Saturday, he stopped calling all together. Of course, I had committed one of the cardinal sins, but I refused to believe he was really that kind of guy. I had a busy week anyway, figured he would call eventually, and 6'4 had started calling and taking me out. Things with 6'4 were somewhat strange because I had already been out with his friend, but when Red never called again, I figured it wouldn't become an issue.

6'4 and I had a whirlwind relationship, going from a second date to him calling me his girlfriend in no time at all. And then, just as quickly as it came, it was gone. However, while I was in limbo trying to figure out if 6'4 really was sick or was disappearing, I got a text from Red, who was apologizing for disappearing on me. He admitted to being a selfish jerk, and said he was extremely sorry for the way he acted, but he really didn't want a girlfriend. I accepted his apology, telling him that it wasn't the first time something like that had happened to me, and it wouldn't be the last. We didn't talk much beyond that. I wasn't going to initiate anything!

Right around Christmas, Red texted me to ask if I was in Cleveland, and then again just to see how things were going in my life. The conversation didn't really go anywhere, but it was nice to see that he was trying to make amends. A couple of weeks ago, our firm's basketball tickets fell to me at the last minute and I sent him a text to ask if he would be interested in going to the game. He said he wished he could, but he had other things going on and wouldn't be able to. No problem, I just thought I'd offer.

Later that night, though, he messaged me to find out if I had ended up just staying at home. I replied telling him that I actually had already had plans when the tickets came my way, and that I was out playing trivia with my friends. We talked generally about meeting up, but he ended up stuck at bowling late, and I got frustrated with trivia and went home.

The following week, I was down at the UC basketball game, and texted him on my way home, knowing he would cross my path from bowling back to his place, and thought we might be able to catch a drink. He was already home, and I wasn't going to go out of my way. Oh well.

Saturday, the night after dinner with Houdini, I was out in Mt. Adams with my girlfriends and thought I'd see if Red was in the neighborhood. Again, I wasn't going to go out of my way, but thought if he was around, we could have a drink. He told me that he wasn't, and I responded with "Too bad for you. Again." He replied telling me that if I wanted to make it happen, that night or any other, that I could do so. I told him the same thing went for him, and he responded by telling me that he was reluctant to "make it happen" because he thought I had distaste for him. I told him that I didn't have distaste for him, but if he was thinking I was going to throw myself at him, that wasn't going to happen. "No, only the one time," was his response. That irritated me, and I wrote him off as a total jerk.

So, this past Friday night, I was downtown at a happy hour for the law school Young Alumni and law students, and I literally ran into him. We both looked at each other with surprised faces. I was on my way to the bathroom, and so we chatted for a few minutes as we made our way through the bar. In that time, he apologized for his comments the weekend before, saying that he was drunk, and when he saw the next day what he had said to me, he was sorry and ashamed. I thanked him for his apology, said I thought it seemed out of character for him to have said those things, and said it was water under the bridge.

I spent more time with my friends at the happy hour and sent him a quick text to say that it was good to see him. He said the same and asked where I was-- he was still at the front bar. He apologized again, and I said he could make it up to me. His response: "I'd love the opportunity. I really didn't mean to be a dick. Honestly, just don't want a girlfriend but really enjoyed hanging out with you." I said that I understood, and his next message was "I hope so. Wasn't sure how to say I like you and don't mind being with only you... if you're ok with that."

So what did that mean? After consulting with my girls, I made my way up to the front bar. I asked him what the difference was between being with only me and having a girlfriend was in his mind. He told me that he just doesn't want to get married tomorrow, but maybe things would be right between us 3-5 years down the road and that would be a possibility. So, essentially, he was saying that he doesn't like labels and doesn't want to feel like I'm in a rush to get married. Which I'm not. So by using his words, Red effectively communicated to me what had been the source of a 4-month misunderstanding.

So all weekend I've been thinking about the assumptions that we make and the problems they cause when we refuse to use our words. Somewhere along the way, Red assumed that to see me for more than a week obligated him to marry me. He assumed that I wouldn't be more than happy with a relationship that wasn't in a rush to get to the altar. I assumed that when he dropped off the face of the earth, it was because he wasn't interested. And all the assumptions created hurt, wasted time, and could have potentially ruined whatever may end up being between us. All he had to do was use his words and look how things turned out!

Professional Rebound

I'm beginning to wonder if there's something about me that just attracts guys that are rebounding. There was Texty last year, then a few more over this past year.

First, there was 6'4. I met him through a friend who had gotten all of her friends together at a bar one evening. Apparently, she liked him, but I wasn't aware of this until late in the evening, when she had already made up her mind to leave with someone else and 6'4 had asked for my number. It took him about a week to call ("Away on business"), and we met up for a casual drink one night. From there, we had a series of wonderful dates. They were unique date ideas (shooting range, anyone?) and the company was good. Soon enough, he was calling me to vent about work, wanting to hang out all the time, and calling me his girlfriend. Though surprised by a guy that was initiating "labeling" the relationship, I went with it. I should have known....

After one evening of playing trivia with our friends, 6'4 gave me a kiss goodnight. I asked coyly when I'd see him again and he said "Tomorrow, if I'm lucky!" Things were going well. Or so I thought. The next day, I didn't hear much from him. I called him around 4 to see if he was planning on coming over for dinner or what was going on, and he said he was going to hang out with a friend to watch the game. No problem.

The next night, same thing. This was strange for a guy who previously wanted to hang out multiple times a week, and ALWAYS invited me out with his friends. We made plans to go out on Saturday night. When Saturday rolled around, I hadn't heard anything from him by 4:30 and started getting concerned. Now, he was sick. He asked for a rain check, and of course, I obliged. I asked if there was anything else wrong, and when he denied any other issues, I accepted his illness and went out with the girls. I never heard from him again. (Well, until I found out he got back together with his ex and ran into him at a bar.)

After him, I met his polar opposite. I went from the guy who moved crazy fast to the guy who took 4 dates give me more than a peck on the lips goodnight. PharmD was quiet and reserved to begin with, but we got along quite well, talking for hours without end. For instance, we spent an entire evening people watching at a bar, laughing and making up stories about others, and before we knew it, the bar was closing. He also suggested (on his own, even!) a date to the Festival of Lights at the Zoo here in Cincinnati. Totally fun and romantic, and something I had been wanting to do since moving to Cincinnati 3.5 years ago.

The week before Christmas, he came over to watch a movie and we made out a little. (And no, I'm not downplaying this to make the story PG or to add drama to it. This was really the extent of it.) I had made cookies for a cookie bake-off at work and had some left over, so I put them on a paper plate with a cute little bow and gave them to him as he left that evening. He left telling me to let him know that I made it back to my parents' safely the next day. When I did so the following evening, he was non-responsive. Even on Christmas, it took him several hours to respond to a text that said "Merry Christmas." He could have legitimately been busy, but I was sensing something more. Of course, the next day, I got a text that said that this was too serious for him right now and that he was still getting over his ex (from over a year before!).

I spent New Years in NYC with a few of my closest girlfriends and came back rejuvenated and ready to start the new year out on a positive foot. That's when I met UCFan. Again with this one, we had great chemistry right off the bat. For our first date, I actually agreed to meet him at his parents' house (they were out of town and had a sweet set up for watching football). We figured this setting would be less crazy than trying to watch the Bengals playoff game at a sports bar where we wouldn't be able to hear each other, and also allowed us to DVR the Bearcats basketball game that overlapped the Bengals game. Things were great until he fell asleep halfway through the movie we put in after the games. The movie he chose. Oh, and after I woke him up, he tried to stay up, but fell asleep AGAIN.

As I left, he kissed me goodnight. What can I say? The kiss was pretty redeeming. We chatted more over the next week, and made plans to go to the basketball game the following Saturday night. He picked me up, we had a drink and some apps before the game, cheered UC onto a victory over Notre Dame, and went to dinner. We came back to my apartment, put in a movie and... he fell asleep again!

When he woke up from his catnap at about 2:30am, I got up to get water, and we ended up talking for another 2.5 hours. It was then that he confessed to having just broken up with his ex right after Christmas. Great. Here we go again. He ended up staying the rest of the night, and when he left the next day, things were still really good. However, since then, he's been really distant and has told me that he realized he wasn't over his ex and needs some time to just deal with things.

So, what is it that makes me attract them like this? I'll give UCFan a little bit of credit-- he realized what was going on before things got really out of hand. But I'm not going to lie: it hurts when someone suddenly pulls away from you. It's taken me a lot of energy and willpower to not call him, text him, or email him. I'll admit that I've caved a few times and emailed him, like to wish him a good weekend on Friday or to just say I hope he had fun at his happy hour tonight. But when this was someone you text and emailed all day for the last 2 weeks, it's a hard thing to get out of all of the sudden.

I guess it's all made me realize that as much as I want to let the guy guide any relationship I'm in, it's just not feasible. They get into things so fast, and before they know it, they're way down a road they don't even want to be on. It's our job as women to pace the relationship. To limit them to 10 minute phone calls or to seeing us only twice a week. While I've never been a fan of the book The Rules, the authors may be on to something. And so, I'm revisiting The Rules in an attempt to see how things work out if I force a guy to pursue me at a good pace.

I'll keep you posted on how finally playing the game goes with this one!

Special

Part of my return to the blogging world is the realization of how much vetting things through this forum really helps me to figure things out. The last few months have been filled with ups and downs, in life in general and in dating.

Last night, Houdini and I got together for dinner. The whole thing started simple enough-- he has written a book and when I asked where I could buy a copy, he insisted that he would get one for me. So, he had this signed copy of his book to get to me. Add to this his trip to New Orleans to see the Sugar Bowl and my new life as an attorney, and we had plenty to talk about and catch up on.

I had originally made contact, saying I wanted to hear about his trip and get my copy of the book, and joked that if we started planning something now, we might actually see each other by March. He responded saying that he had last night available if I could swing it. He wanted to get together on a Friday night? Okay by me, but this was sounding a little date-ish.

As this week rolled by, I asked if he had any ideas for when and where, and he said he'd pick me up at 7, but had no ideas on where to go. He's picking me up? More date-ish. I tossed out two restaurant suggestions- one because I had a friend playing music, and the other because I had a gift certificate. He chose Red. Fine by me, but a very nice place. Even more date-ish.

So last night, he picked me up, we went to dinner. I asked if he wanted to do a bottle of wine or just glasses, and he said because of his marathon training, he'd have to stick to glasses unless I wanted to drink the whole bottle myself. This segwayed into a story about one of his worst dates ever. It was a funny story, but probably not a "date" topic of conversation. So now I'm thinking it's more in the friend zone. Which is okay.

We talked a lot about our dating lives, him explicitly asking me how things were going on the dating front. Friend zone. I kind of filled him in on the most recent disasters and experiences, and he gave me friendly advice, even saying "I tell my female friends this all the time..." Definite friend zone. He picked up the rather sizable check. Date-ish.

After dinner, we went next door for another glass of wine and more conversation. We talked more and I made a comment in which I referred to our evening as a date. Then I realized that he might not be considering this a date and tried to back peddle. He didn't let me, so I explained to him how I couldn't figure out how he was perceiving this night. He said that he had really just wanted to catch up and wasn't expecting anything more than just that. Though I tried to pay for the round of drinks, he insisted that he pay.

He brought me home and came up for a few minutes. We chatted some more, and he gave me a wonderful kiss goodnight. As he was leaving, I realized I hadn't gotten my book from him (the whole point of the night!) and walked him out to the car.

As he left, I realized that my relationship with Houdini is something unique. He's a guy that I can count on for a great evening out. We can go to nice restaurants, have a very real, candid conversation, and truly enjoy one another's company. We're both accepting of the fact that things might never progress from an occasional "date-ish thing." He's one of the very few guys that I actually am okay with that being the case, though.

Houdini and I have both hurt one another, and we've been honest about that. I called things off with him after meeting someone else, and he was deeply hurt by this. He's dropped off the face of the earth on me, failing to give any real explanation, yet resurfacing months later. I don't know if I could ever move past that kind of thing. And more to the point, I don't know if he wants me to be able to. He can be there for me in a very limited way, make me feel special, and fulfill my needs and desires for an evening. And that's really all I can expect from him.

And you know what, sometimes a girl just needs that guy who makes her feel truly special, even if it's just for an evening!

A Return from Hiatus?

Okay, okay... I know I've been MIA. It wasn't really planned, and was the result of oh so many things going on in my life. A new job, new boys, a new life, really...

First things first. Professionally, I'm set for a while. I found out that I passed the Ohio Bar at the end of October, and was sworn in in the beginning of November. I'm working for a wonderful firm that is like a second family to me, and I'm loving every minute of it. So, in short, work life is in order.

It's that whole "personal life" thing that seems to be the issue. More specifically, the love life. It *almost* makes me wish I was working for one of those big cutthroat firms that doesn't allow you to have a work/life balance: I might not notice it at all. But honestly, I only notice the issues when I'm actually dating someone. When I'm single, I'm totally happy and fine. I think this indicates some sort of deep emotional issues, but we'll delve into those slowly, I'm sure. (And let's be honest, if you've read any of my blog, you probably know how I've developed those issues!)

But I'm alive, my family is still crazy, and my love life is still humorous and full of adventure and lessons. So here's to a new year! Hopefully this time around I'll remember everything that I've learned so far in this game of Life.

A New Meet Market?

Tuesday after work, I walked into my blood donation appointment, uplifted by the gorgeous weather we've been having here in the Tri-state. I filled out my paperwork, and before I could return the "privacy clipboard" to the queue, I was flagged down by an EMT responsible for screening. I joked that he wouldn't even let me put it in the queue, and he didn't laugh. Good sense of humor, obviously.

I took my seat in the room, and EMT sat down across from me and asked "What's new?" Well, everything, since I don't even KNOW you, I thought. "Not much" is what I actually replied. He proceeded to argue with me about my weight (how many women do you know that put down that they weigh MORE than they actually do?) and complimented me on my ability to correctly bubble in the answers to the questions. He put the thermometer in my mouth, then proceeded to explain that he was on crutches because he had a broken femur, a broken thumb, etc., etc. because he had been hit by a car on his motorcycle. How do you show compassion when you have a thermometer in your mouth?

Then, EMT pricked my finger to test my blood for iron. Pretty standard. What's not so standard? When he put the gauze on my finger to stop the bleeding, he said (in a very creepy voice, no less) "This is the part where I get to hold your hand. Shhh... Don't tell!" I tried to laugh it off, but in my mind, I kept wondering if blood donation centers were the new place to pick people up. Not only that, he now had access to all of my personal information. Awesome.

I ventured over to the actual donation area, made myself comfortable, and did my business. He stared at me in a creepy way the entire time. And no, since you're wondering, he was not attractive. But don't worry, becuase it's me, the story gets better.

I finished donating, and the nurse removed the needle from my arm. As I held my arm up and applied pressure, I started to feel a tiny bit light-headed. Not a big deal; it happens. I mentioned quietly to the nurse that I was starting to feel a little dizzy. Her response? Turning around and YELLING, "We need cold towels over here!" She threw a switch and my chair reclined, as EMT dashed across the room with one good leg to cover me in wet towels. So now, here I am, covered in cold, wet towels, everyone in the place staring at me, a creepy EMT leaning over me. That's enough to make a person want to die!

After a bit of apple juice, I told them that I thought creating a bit of a scene would be entertainment to help their evening go more quickly. As I hung out eating cookies and drinking juice, trying to convince them all that I was really okay, EMT continued watching me like a hawk, proud to have been my knight in shining armor. I was finally able to leave, wishing them all well and insisting that I was fine. Nothing like a low-key Tuesday night.

Thoughts from my wiser days

In the process of packing, moving, and unpacking during the last few weeks, I came across an old notebook in which I had written some thoughts when my college sweetheart and I were calling it quits. The things I wrote still hold true today, but I seem to have forgotten what I learned back then. If only I could retain this kind of wisdom...

I want- no, I need- someone who is absolutely crazy about me. I need someone who can't wait to make me his wife. I need someone who puts me second only to God. I need someone who can't resist me, doesn't want to leave me, and who is interested in what I'm interested in. I need someone who values me while he has me, not just when he can't have me.

In the last four years, I've wanted to feel the spark with someone. There have been a few instances where there was something of a spark, but none that had that lasting flame. Mr. MBA and I were good for a couple of weeks, but then he started doing a fade, and last Friday there was a Facebook post on his wall from a girl thanking him for the night before, specifying "It was great to be in bed with you." (What kind of girl writes that on a FB wall?!?) So, even though I was pissed by his blowing me off, seeing the message was the final nail in the coffin on that... mess.

I'm happy to say that no matter how lacking the spark is in my dating life, it's definitely present in my professional life. In my first week at work, I was already billing a lot of hours and this week have been left with the care of an application for a potential new client. If we were to land this client, it would be huge, and the bulk of the work on the project is going to be done by me. It's exciting and scary, and I'm loving every moment of it. A nine or ten hour day in the office flies by, and I can't imagine it being any other way.

My life is actually full with things other than boys for the time being, and it's a great feeling. Bachelorette parties, housewarming parties, going away parties, work, family, and home projects have filled my time, meaning my prince will have to come and sweep me off my feet because I'm not going to be running after him. The thing is, though, he'll have to keep up!