Friday, February 8, 2013

1.4.3

<3  1.4.<3
Three little words every girl wants to hear. I for one have an issue with this phrase, well at least saying it out loud. I get very anxious when I think I am about to say it and never feel like it comes out right. You know, the way it comes out in the movies all sensual and meaningful. How it makes your heart skip a beat and all that sappy bullshit. But when I say it, it is either the wrong time, blurted out too fast, too slow or all slurred (due to the wine) and stuttered (due to the nerves). 
For example: I have an issue with wanting to ‘talk’ or say meaningful things to my lover in bed. Not while in the act of coitus, but just while laying there about to fall asleep. For whatever reason at this time of night I feel the need to bare my soul and make a deep connection…only when the lights are off and I am safely tucked under my covers (everyone looks better in the dark). The problem with this is that most people like to sleep when they are in bed. Sleep or fuck anyway, and when I’m fucking I don’t want to say anything nor do I want you to say anything. Shut your mouth and do your job. Oh shit…sorry, tangent.
Anyway, yeah so back to me telling people I love them at inappropriate times. Picture this, I’m in bed with my man and out of nowhere I decide to say “I love you.” And I hear silence…more silence…and MORE fucking nothing! Now I get all nervous, start sweating, questioning my behavior during the day, week, and month. WHAT COULD IT BE??? Why doesn’t he love me back? OMG we are going to break up aren’t we…yup here it comes. All of this runs through my head in the matter of seconds and then I hear him snore. Motherfucker, he is sleeping. So I give him a slight nudge and ask “Are you sleeping?” and his response is some mumbled words that sound like “Mmmmugh-naw”. Then a cool calm rush of relief comes over me and I think to myself thank god he didn’t hear me, I’ll just keep that to myself.
All of that second guessing, stuttering, and inappropriate timing happened after we have already exchanged our initial awkward 1.4.3’s. No, that wasn’t my first time at the rodeo, I just suck the big one when it comes to saying I love you. I have a hard time saying it to my friends, mother, brother, grandmother and everyone under the sun no matter how much I truly do love them.
I have friends who say it to me every time we talk and they have no problem ending the conversation with ‘love you’. I appreciate it, I REALLY do! But for some reason when it comes out of my mouth it sounds hollow and emotionless. When I say it, it sounds as though I am just saying it because they said it first. That probably is because I am. Not because I don’t love them, I just don’t think to tell them until they have already told me.  
I know and understand why I’m not so good at putting those words together seamlessly; it is because my family is just as shitty at it as I am. I am NOT telling you this so you will be all, awww poor Single 20-Something no one loved you growing up. Not in the least, lots of people loved me sucka, they just blew at saying it out loud, hence my verbal inadequacy. But guess what?
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
XOXO
I’ve been told actions speak louder than words anyhow